Before I left for this trip, my heart was very convicted
that I wasn’t living a life of love. I did things that were loving, I said
things that were loving, but I didn’t live love. I want to live a life where
everything I do and say, think and react to, is born out of love; not my own
love, but knowledge of the love of God. God was showing me that my relationship
with Him was all wrong. So many times, when I do right it is because I want to
measure up – not because he loves me and sent His Son to die for me. When I do
wrong, I feel like I failed; but of course, that was too dramatic to admit, so
I wouldn’t – even to myself. I had been praying for God to help me change this,
but it is hard when what needs to change has to do with how you think. It is so
deeply engrained in me.
In my weeks here, I started asking: God, do I even know your
love? It seems like such a basic questions. Should someone who has been saved
for so many years really be asking that? Yes. It is good to reflect, to go back
to the beginning, to where it all starts. The greatest commandment is to love
the Lord your God. “How do I quit DOING and start LOVING?” I asked God. For me,
“If you love me you will keep my commandments” is much easier than having the
Mary attitude rather than Martha's and learning to sit at His feet. God has shown me in numerous
ways, though, how important it is to Him that I learn His love. He has shown me that it is time to stop just
pushing through and taking another step; It is time to sit at his feet learn
how to do things His way. It might not be easy, but it is best for me. The
Father wants what is best for His children! I am learning that for me to know
His love and to show His love is so important to Him! He wants me to know how
much He loves me and to live a life that reflects that.
God is faithful even as he teaches us. Sarah is learning the
same thing I am learning and asking the same questions! Not only that, but our
discipleship book (“Comforts from the Cross” by Elyse Fitzgerald) is perfectly
suited to encourage us and help aid as we change our thinking. In our
discipleship meeting, we shared what we were thinking and were encouraged and
taught by Debbie. God’s design for discipleship is so perfect! It has been invaluable
in mine and Sarah’s growing process here. I’m so thankful for all the tools God
has given me to learn about Him and how he loves me.
One way I am changing my thinking is through prayer. Another
way is by changing how I read the bible. Usually I find the dos and the don’ts,
the put on and the put offs. I make my list in my head and “work on it” during
the day. Yeah right! How prideful I am to think I can make myself better! These
are basic truths I have known since I was young, but God is sitting me down and
telling me, “Daughter, it is time that these truths come out of your head and
move into your heart.” No more changing for a day and going back to the easy
way. That’s part of why I’m sharing this here! Not only because I want to
encourage you and because I want you to share in my experience and to thank you
for supporting me here, but also because sharing this will hold me accountable!
My month here is transforming my heart. God started working
on it a long time ago… and I know he will keep working on it for a much longer
time. I’m so excited for eternity not just so I won’t sin anymore, but so I
will know His love even more!
Prayer Request Update: Pray that God keeps shooting the
darts at my heart and teaching me what it means to be His Daughter. Praise God
with me that He is always drawing us closer to Him! Showing me what he has and
the brokenness over sin I have recently experienced are all answers to prayers!
God is faithful!
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